Goldielocks

“So first she tasted the porridge of the Great, Huge Bear, and that was too hot for her; and she said a bad word about that. And then she tasted the porridge of the Middle Bear, and that was too cold for her; and she said a bad word about that too. And then she went to the porridge of the Little, Small, Wee Bear, and tasted that; and that was neither too hot nor too cold, but just right; and she liked it so well that she ate it all up.” But then she realized that bears are carnivorous and the porridge was made of raw meat. She said a bad word about that as well. (Quote from Joseph Jacob’s The Story of the Three Bears, edited by Sisters Grimm)

Troll Under the Bridge

“‘Now I'm coming to gobble you up,’ said the troll. ‘Oh, no! Don't take me. Wait a little till the big Billy Goat Gruff comes. He's much bigger.’ ‘Well, come along! I've got two spears, 
And I'll poke your eyeballs out at your ears;
 I've got besides two curling-stones,
 And I'll crush you to bits, body and bones.’ That was what the big billy goat said. And then he flew at the troll, and poked his eyes out with his horns, and crushed him to bits, body and bones, and tossed him out into the cascade, and after that he went up to the hillside.” Where he taught the other billy goats in a rape aggression defense class that was held weekly (Quote from Peter Christen Asbjørnsen and Jørgen Moe’s The Three Billy Goats Gruff, edited by Sisters Grimm)

Big Bad Wolf

“The pigs shouted back, ‘Go to hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!’…but progress cannot be stopped. So the wolf huffed and puffed and blew…” up an atomic bomb. (Quote from James Finn Garner’s The Three Little Pigs, edited by Sisters Grimm)

Little Red Riding Hood

“Moral: From this story one learns that children, especially young lasses… do very wrong to listen to strangers and it is not an unheard thing if the Wolf is thereby provided with...” a helpless old woman to eat. (Quote from Charles Perrault’s Little Red Riding Hood, edited by Sisters Grimm)

Rapunzel

“’Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let down your hair.’ …. The prince climbed up, but instead of his dearest Rapunzel, the witch was waiting for him with angry, poisonous looks. ‘Aha!’ she cried. “You’ve come to take your darling wife away, but the bird is gone from the nest… the cat has taken her away and before she’s done, she’ll scratch your eyes out too.” Then you won’t be able to see Rapunzel’s beauty if you ever do find her, and honestly, beauty is all the girl has. (Quote from Jacob and Wilhelm Grimm’s Rapunzel, edited by Sisters Grimm)